What to Bring to A Funeral: Gifts, Clothing, and Etiquette (2024)

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Co-authored byJeanne Walkerand Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: September 27, 2023Fact Checked

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1. Gifts aren’t required at funerals, but a small gift is a thoughtful gesture. A typical funeral service won’t require you to bring some sort of gift, unlike a wedding or other celebratory events. However, there are a number of common items you can bring as a token of your condolences, like flowers or cards. At the end of the day, the most important gift is your presence at the service, however you ought to consider giving a gift if you’re a family member or close friend of the family.^[1]

   • Check the obituary or funeral invite for special requests from the family like donation requests, particular dress code instructions, or information on cultural practices at the funeral.^[2] You can also ask the funeral director about any special aspects the funeral might have.
See Also
Funeral Etiquette 101: What to Do, Bring & Say | Cake BlogFuneral Etiquette: A Basic Guide To Funeral EtiquetteA Guide To Funeral EtiquetteFuneral Etiquette 101: What to Do, Bring & Say | Cake Blog

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   Flowers. Flowers are typical decorations for a funeral, and also make safe gifts for the bereaved when ordered a few days ahead of time through the funeral director. Lilies and roses are the traditional choices, but if you know that the deceased or the deceased’s family preferred a certain other type of flower, ordering that type can be a thoughtful and appreciated gift.

   • Flowers are typically not included in Jewish funeral services, so skip them if the deceased or the deceased’s family is Jewish.^[3]
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   Sympathy cards. A card is a classic way to offer your respects and to give a lasting, physical reminder that you’re sorry for someone’s loss. Include a handwritten message of condolences that offers comfort, a kind memory, and if you’re able, offer to help the bereaved family with things like groceries or errands.^[4]

   • Avoid offering advice in your card. The family of the deceased may not be looking for ways to cope with their grief, or your advice here may be too personal or unwelcome.
   • You may have the opportunity to speak with the family of the deceased or other mourners who knew them, and in this case it can be a profound and thoughtful gesture to share a positive memory you have of their lost family member or friend.^[5]
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   Donations. Funerals are expensive events that may be a financial burden on the family of the deceased. If it’s indicated in the invitation or service pamphlet that a monetary donation is appreciated (It may say something like “In lieu of flowers…), include a check in your sympathy card for the equivalent cost of a bouquet of flowers, about $40-$80.^[6]

   • Some families may request online donations or donations in a particular form. Check with the funeral director to find if this is the case.
   • If you can’t afford the cost of flowers, give what you can. The family will appreciate whatever amount you can spare.
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   Family photos or other keepsakes. Some funerals have things like “memory tables” where guests can leave treasured items or photos of the deceased for their family to collect. If the funeral program indicates it, bring along a nice photo of the deceased, or an item that brings them to mind.^[7]

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   A meal for the family. The family of the deceased has a lot to plan and think about, and it can be hard to cook meals while grieving. Ask the family if there are any dietary or allergy concerns, and cook something easy to transport and store in a disposable dish to bring to the reception, like a casserole or other one-pan dinner to bring to the reception, or drop off in the week following the funeral.^[8]

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   Order cards and flowers through the funeral director, or send them by mail. Many families request that any gifts of flowers be either placed through or approved by the funeral director, so as to maintain the proper decor and atmosphere, and to save the family from further work. Talk to the funeral director and place your flower order at least 2 days ahead of time to see if flowers are an appropriate gift, and to place an order.^[9] You can also send these through the mail to the family’s home address.

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   Write a check for a funeral collection at the service, or make donations online. There is sometimes a donation collection at the end of the funeral service, in which case you should make out a check to the family or the party specified on the invite and place it in the basket or donation box. A family may also make donations available online, in which case you should contribute before the funeral.^[10]

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   Tissues. Of course, people will be crying at a funeral. Even if you don’t think you’ll be crying yourself, offering a tissue to another mourner who is crying can be a thoughtful gesture. Your emotions might take you by surprise, anyway, and it’s good to be prepared.^[11]

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   Umbrellas. If the funeral includes an outdoor portion like a burial, take along an umbrella to protect you from rain or even harsh sun. This keeps your attention on the service and ensures you can stay for the full ceremony, no matter the weather.^[12]

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   Sunglasses. Sunglasses are useful not only for outdoor events on sunny days, but they can also conceal wet or red eyes if you’ve been crying.^[13] Wear black sunglasses that aren’t too flashy, or another subdued style.

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   Loud electronics. Put your phone on silent and leave it in the car if you can, and avoid bringing loud children’s toys. These can be disruptive, and the family of the deceased may not appreciate the distraction.^[14] Checking your phone during a funeral service is bad etiquette, anyway.

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   Young children or infants. If your child or infant is easily distracted or particularly noisy and may not act appropriately during a funeral service, it’s probably best to hire a babysitter or leave them at home. Noisy kids can disrupt a service, when everyone’s attention should be on the deceased.^[15]

   • Funerals can be an important part of the grieving process, however, even for children. If your child was close to the deceased, ask their family if bringing your child would be welcome or appropriate.
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   Expensive gifts. Funeral gifts aren’t a competition, and now isn’t the time to show off. In addition, overly expensive gifts may make the family uncomfortable or feel beholden while they’re already under stress. Aim for a gift that costs about $20-$100, or consult the registry if one exists.^[16]

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1. Wear black or dark clothes. Black is the traditional uniform for a funeral, and is worn as a sign of mourning, but also so that any one mourner doesn’t bring too much attention to themself.^[17] A dark suit and tie and dress shoes or a black dress with simple shoes is typically appropriate.

   • The funeral invitation or obituary might indicate special dress code requests, in which case you should make an effort to follow them.
   • In most cases, avoid bright colors or any articles of clothing that may make you stand out or distract focus from the service.
   • Some funerals may include the cultural traditions of the deceased, in which case it may be appropriate to adhere to a certain dress code. Consult the obituary, funeral director, or the family of the deceased if you think this may be the case.^[18]

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